We debated on whether to share this piece of our story with the world, but ultimately, we want to glorify God through each season of life, not just in the seasons that seem ideal to us. We pray this that sharing our story encourages anyone reading this in similar seasons. So here we go. I've been blogging for three years, and this is by far the most vulnerable blogpost I've ever written. As I sit here typing this post, I'm still wrapping my mind around it all that this is a piece of our story. We never thought this would be our story. In fact, if I'm being totally honest, I prayed that this wouldn't be our story. I prayed this wouldn't be a battle we had to fight. For as long as I can remember, I've longed to be a momma. Growing up, I was always playing baby dolls, offering to snuggle others babies, and babysitting every chance I could get. Being a momma has been my greatest dream in life.

My husband & I both come from big families, so we never really thought twice about growing our family. It seemed like it would just be second nature. We prayed over God's timing and began our journey to starting a family. We were so excited, dreaming of the possibility of having a little one in our home. We thought it would happen pretty quickly. But then it didn't. I knew in my gut after the first month of trying that something was wrong. I was devastated. My sweet husband offered words of encouragement, and we continued to pray, but I just knew something wasn't quite right. The next five months consisted of negative pregnancy tests, more tears, and many more prayers.

I knew we needed to start getting some answers to move forward, but wasn't sure I was ready to hear what the doctors had to say. I nervously called to make an appointment at new clinic. The first appointment was a whirlwind of answering questions, filling out paperwork, and having blood drawn for various things. If you know me, you know I have the queasiest stomach and get light headed at the thought of even getting my blood drawn...so this was a big deal. ;) God was so gracious to provide strength & make it through all of the tests without passing out. I think there's something about knowing it's all for a cause bigger than yourself that makes it so much easier to do.

The next seven weeks were a whirlwind of scheduling appointments, meeting with doctors, having labs drawn & ultrasounds done, and waiting to finally go over the results. I had been in and out of the clinic every single week for almost two months. In the midst of all of this was a data checkpoint for preschool, celebrating thanksgiving, prepping for the holidays, our preschool Christmas program, and I came down with strept throat twice. PHEW! It was a crazy season. It was just a week before Christmas, when I sat down with my doctor to go over the results.

Pictures by Lauren Graeve Photography   ||    "He's in the Waiting Shirt" from Crazy Cool Threads — Pictures by Lauren Graeve Photography || "He's in the Waiting Shirt" from Crazy Cool Threads

I remember her saying "You have PCOS...the number one cause of infertility among women." and the rest was a blur. My head was spinning. Infertility...the word I couldn't bring myself to accept. The road I knew we were walking but didn't want to be a part of our story.

Infertility...the word I couldn't bring myself to accept. The road I knew we were walking but didn't want to be a part of our story.

My eyes burned as tears welled up. So many emotions stirring in my heart. Relieved that we had an answer. Overwhelmed at what this would mean for us moving forward. Sad that our world was turned upside down during the holidays. Confused on why this was part of our story. Frustrated that I didn't know this sooner. Grateful for incredible doctors who held my hand along the way & a husband who has been nothing but supportive and kind and loving through it all.

My sweet doctor just sat there with me. She let me cry. She said "we're going to figure this out". Once I began to wrap my head around it a tiny bit, I asked her a few questions. We talked a little while longer. I walked out of the doctor's office, got into the car, and called my husband at work. Through tears I shared with him that they diagnosed me with PCOS. I shared with him a few of the things we had talked about moving forward. He let me pour my heart out & told me he loved me. I sat in the vehicle and listened to the song "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music and cried some more. These lyrics played through the speakers and were so timely.

"You're never gonna let, never gonna let me down. Oh, cause you are GOOD, good, ohhhh."

My doctor's appointment was in the middle of the day. So I pulled myself together and drove slowly back to school in a daze. It was our prep day, so there were no kids there, but my co-workers were in the middle of a meeting. I walked back into the room to join them, putting on a brave face, but inside being crushed as everything began to set in.

We tried really hard to just enjoy the holidays with family & friends over the next few weeks. I started incorporating a few of the suggestions my doctor had shared. Life continued to pass by. We had a crazy winter full of snow storms. We tried to enjoy the little things like fresh snowfalls, being cozied up with books or movies while being snowed in, and just making the most of the season God had us in. Despite all that, some days just felt plain HARD. And to be honest, some days still do.

We're over a year into this journey now & we're still learning to navigate the many emotions of walking through infertility. We know God has us in his hands. He hasn't forgotten us. We know He has a greater plan and purpose for this pain. We are surrendering it all to Him. We are hopeful. We are trusting Him & praying He uses our journey to glorify Him. Right now we're holding it all with open hands. We have no idea what it will look like to welcome a little one into our family, but we do know God is weaving all of this together for our good and we're resting in that truth.

God laid it on my heart to share our story with you all in the midst of it. If you're reading this post and you're in a season of waiting too, I pray you feel a little less alone. We are choosing to trust God every step of the way, even when it feels incredibly hard.

We would love your prayers in the meantime sweet friends. Prayers for patience, peace, wisdom, and trust in His timing. We are so thankful for each and every one of you following along this journey with us!