Today's Friday coffee chat is a little bit different. I drafted this post a while back, but God laid it on my heart to share it here today. So instead of a topic to chat about, I'm going to share this letter I'd written a while back to the sweet friends longing to be a momma. Walking this journey through infertility has opened my heart to so many emotions I never thought twice out before walking this journey. I hope this post helps you feel a little less alone.

To the longing to be momma, I'm right there with you.

It's the effort it takes to put on a smile and laugh off when yet another friend so lovingly asks "so when are you having kids?!" when deep inside you so desperately wish you already had one in your arms.

It's the bittersweet feelings that rush over you when you're scrolling through social media and see another baby announcement. Its so exciting to celebrate with others, but if I'm being honest it's also the heartache & selfish feelings of yet another baby on the way that's not yours.

It's acknowledging that somedays it just flat out hurts & it's totally out of your control.

It's the heartache of walking past the maternity clothes & sweet tiny baby clothes that brings you to tears.

It's the stillness in your home that you wish was filled with tiny feet running around.

It's questioning everything...what the heck did we do wrong? what is God trying to teach us? Why did he pick us to walk through this journey that quite honestly somedays feels like torture? When will this season be over? When will it stop hurting so much? Why do all of our friends get to walk through the season we so desperately long for? When will it be our turn? How do we love and serve others well in a season of life where everything feels dark? Does God hear our prayers?

It's fighting the lies that sneak in, telling you, you wouldn't be a good enough momma, or that you need to have life more "together" first.

It's the head spinning, crying out to God, what can we do?!

It's the heart wrenching pain when your sweet preschoolers ask why you're not a mommy yet.

It's the deep, deep longing to love a little human you've never met before.

It's fighting the jealousy and envy of those expecting or those who have little ones.

It's fighting the anger and bitterness that creeps in when others with little ones complain about the very moments you long for.

It's the hard, hard surrender of knowing only God can make this miracle happen.

It's not being able to put into words the depth of the pain that swallows up your heart.

It's putting on your bravest smile while choking back the tears to congratulate others on the announcement of their newest little one.

It's putting on a fresh face of makeup before heading out of the house because you just cried it all off in your husband's arms.

It's feeling mad and angry at God and not wanting to admit that to anyone.

It's the utter exhaustion of walking through a weird season of grief day in and day out.

It's the constant roller coaster of hoping...wishing...praying...and then grieving as yet another month passes with no signs of a baby on the way.

It's not letting yourself think too much about anything baby related...because it feels like an empty dream.

It's feeling constant guilt...am I not eating right? am I too stressed? am I letting my husband down? do I not workout enough? did I workout too hard? the list goes on...

It's the head-spinning, overwhelming, wondering what steps to take next...Do we pursue infertility treatments? Do we continue to be patient and try natural alternatives? If it comes down to IVF do we pursue that route or do we put that money towards adoption? How will we ever afford it? Do we foster? Is this not our season to be parents?

It's the dread of walking by the room in the hallway upstairs you planned to be a nursery by now.

It's the constant wrestling in your heart, trying to stay hopeful and truly believe, but your faith being tested in the hardest ways.

It's watching others have "oops" babies in their arms already and still longing for the very child you've prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of.

It's feeling so alone when all of your friends are mommas and you can't relate, but so desperately wish you could.

It's going through the motions as each holiday and season passes and you thought you'd get to experience it with a tiny little person by your side, but your arms are empty.

It's standing in the back of church whispering the words of each song while fighting back tears, desperately needing to hear the lyrics and praying "God, help me believe this".

This season of life is HARD friends. Walking IN the Valley and sharing about it is hard. We are doing the very best to make the most of it, and find the little joys in each day, but some days...a lot of days...this is what it really feels like.

So to the friend longing to be a momma, I hope you know you're not alone. I see you. I'm walking this journey right alongside you. God's got this, I know He does. Even on the hardest days. I'm praying for you sweet friends!